Show me your wounds, I'll show you mine

I’d been waiting to walk those halls for 5 years. I was in my best dress and wouldn’t have batted an eye if you’d asked me to audition on the spot for the big screen. Once inside, I quickly found a familiar face and darted away from my mother, who was busy checking me in.

Once I reached her, the words just about exploded out of my tiny frame. “Hi, my name is Kirsty. I’m Loren’s little sister.” The kind-eyed woman, who was mid-conversation with another teacher, looked down at me with a warm smile and a laugh. She was obviously caught off guard, but not upset. Not only had I cut into an adult conversation, but I had taken it upon myself to make a formal introduction at 5 years old. Once I had her attention, I did what came most natural to me, I continued to speak until I ran out of breath.

By the time my mom had found my little brunette bob among the 40 other kindergartners, I had already covered the fact that I had one functioning kidney and was just wrapping up the story of her divorce. The idea of privacy never made much sense to me. When I told stories about my life, others smiled or laughed and that was all I ever wanted in return. More times than not, they responded with stories of their own. Another token for my transparency. This was a trick I learned very young… If I show you my wounds, you’ll show me yours.

As one of my favorite artists wrote, “These bruises make for better conversation”.

I’ve always cut past the pleasantries and have rarely been disappointed. We have all been hurt and most people carry trauma everywhere they go. Desperately wanting to hand over the burden and lighten the load or find someone who can connect with their pain. Many will hide this to make “others feel comfortable”. However, I challenge you to ask yourself, “Is the mask protecting you or them?” It can feel easier pushing down our emotions and never allowing others to see past our perfect façade, but who wins in the end? You’re both left accepting that your struggles are meant to be carried alone.

Imagine walking the halls of your high school or streets of your neighborhood with signs above our heads, listing our every insecurity and pain. For the first time, you might see the woman three doors down because you can relate to what she is feeling… The burden of unrealistic expectations as a mother, wife and daughter. You’ve cried yourself to sleep time and time again due to those same pangs of guilt, though all you’ve seen are her smiles and all you’ve felt toward her is jealousy for how easy her life seems.

Those closest to me often say that I create deep relationships at lightning speed and have a way of making others feel comfortable while sharing personal stories. This is not by accident, nor is it any secret. Showing up every day and facing others with our walls down can be difficult, but it can also be beautiful. I am constantly amazed by individuals in my life, by their strength and what they’ve overcome. I am also forgiving, because I’ve taken the time to see their raw and unfiltered self. Always remembering that we are our toughest critics. I can be a better friend, colleague and family member when I promise others a space for open, judgment-free dialogue.

Today, many topics are controversial, and many feelings are overwhelming. This is the time to be open with one another. When you show your heart, imperfect and unscripted, others feel safe doing the same. Think of that ripple effect through our communities and nation. The potential for a tidal wave of understanding and support.

Don’t “love” this, take it to heart

I don’t deserve to feel this way or share these thoughts... Or at least that was my impression until today.

I’m sure we’ve all read a post that goes something like this. “Anxiety and depression do not discriminate.” Maybe we’ve “shared” or “loved” and then carried on with our day. Until we hit the 4th yellow light our way to work late and the car in front of you decides to slam on their breaks, again. Some of us swear, some of us swerve around and few of us wait patiently for the light to turn green. I’d like to think that I am, more times than not, in the latter group. Why? Because I bet it is difficult to slide through a yellow when you lost your brother to someone who ran a red. Do I know that is the driver’s situation? No... But it very well could be and so I wait. 

I’m a 24 year old, white, middle class, healthy, woman. I have supportive family and friends, a wonderful boyfriend, great apartment and a career that I love. I also deal with crippling guilt, anxiety and perfectionist tendencies... Which I’ve dealt with in both healthy and unhealthy ways through my life.

Why am I sharing this? Because until today I didn’t think I had the right to. I am opening myself up to the judgement coming from those of you who feel you are in a worse place, and you very well may be. I see and understand that. However, it’s also possible for someone whose environment and situation are different from yours to be hurting too. Because, simply put, your external factors do not define how you are feeling internally. 

I’ve struggled. I’ve had days where I’ve cry to and from work... Weeks where I can’t seem to escape my brain fog or be present in any situation... Nights where I’ve replayed an incident and beat myself up so many times that I’ve never fallen asleep. But who am I to share this pain or cope so drastically when I’m not dying or homeless or suicidal? I am a young woman who is living and thriving and surviving, all at once. So many of us dance on this line between living our best life and just being alive. 

Know that you’re not alone. Know that your pain is real and it’s alright to not be “okay” for an hour, a morning, a month. Everyone is going through something and we have no way of knowing what that might be. Who are we to determine which levels of pain warrant snapping at a barista or being unprepared for a meeting? Be empathetic toward all, lord knows our world could use that now more than ever. Tomorrow is a fresh start and if you can ease the weight on someone’s chest by smiling or buying their coffee or simply responding to their anger with gentle understanding, do that. 

Doll Faced Insecurities

When I was eight years old, my family took a trip to New York City and I was fortunate enough to have been brought to the American Doll Store. For those of you who have never been an eight year old girl, this was pretty much Disney Land and Christmas wrapped into one. The place has multiple floors with a full selection of dolls, clothing, a salon and even a restaurant where you can eat a meal with your doll. It's fairly elaborate and an absolute dream for most young girls. They have a popular option where you can purchase a look-a-like doll and I was very eager play along! How I remember this working was they gave me a sheet to fill out with all of my characteristics (hair color, eye color, skin color, etc), they created a mini-me doll and sent it to my house. A few weeks after returning from my trip the doll arrived and my mom turned to me puzzled. My "look-a-like" had green eyes, however mine are brown. She thought that they must have made a mistake, but I informed her that I had chosen to make hers green because I thought that I would be prettier that way. At eight years old, instead of getting a doll that looked just like me, I chose to make an "improvement" the first chance that I got.

I would not say that I was an insecure child. From the outside most people who knew me would have thought, and would still think, the complete opposite. I am a very transparent extrovert, which comes across as extremely confident. A trait that used to bother me, but I have learned to embrace. As with most emotions, I truly believe that you can fake it until you make it. Acting confident DOES make you feel more confident. However, that does not mean that I did not grow up with my fair share of insecurities. I have compared myself to my peers, strangers and celebrities my entire life. I remember breaking down in tears at 12 years old because all of my friends were getting boobs and I could have easily still gone topless at the beach. Why I wanted boobs so bad at 12 was simple. The media told me that they were what beautiful women had. Like any young girl, I wanted to fit in and I wanted to be beautiful. I can truly say that when I was little I never thought to myself  "I really hope that I am super smart one day", but I remember crying over this AA cup dilemma multiple times. Am I proud to admit this? No, but few complements are thrown at young girls that do not involve their physical appearance. Despite that truth, I also was not raised to focus on my appearance. I taught myself to use mascara and am the only women in my family who regularly wears heels. All odds were against me to become a "girly girl", but here I am.. Cheetah print and all! I find power and self-love in getting dressed up and smacking some makeup on. No, I am not here today to apologize for that.

Now take that young girl and plug her into 2018. She had a Myspace page through middle school, Facebook through high school and Instagram through college. Her peers idolize doll faced, silicone billionaires and do their best to catch a "like" as strangers mindlessly scroll through thousands of identical posts. Judgement gets hurled at this generation for caring what others think, but can you blame us? Our entire lives have been virtually published and rated by our classmates.. parent's friends.. complete strangers out in the open since we were in our pre-teen most vulnerable age. As if young adults do not have enough to worry about with our bodies changing, acne and hearts breaking, but now they are compared "live" as they sit back and watch.

I have always been someone who is attracted to the energies of others. That experience when talking with someone whose vibe radiates so strong that you feel caffeinated. Authentic connections and soul talks light up my world and make me smile so big that my face hurts.. that is when I feel the most aligned. Those are the hours that never seem wasted, that charge me up for weeks. BUT still.. I fall into the trap. I get into the groove with an old friend discussing photo lighting and good angles and what that girl from high school posted last week.. That shit makes me WILD. My heart actually feels so heavy that I am sick to my stomach after spending an afternoon discussing pointless topics and petty gossip. It's like a tornado that spins by, glittery and aromatic, sucking me in whenever my guard is down.

So what do I do about it? Unfollow people who edit their faces out of their photos? Delete my social media pages? Leave conversations that include topics that weigh me down? Sure, yes.. I've done each one more times than I can count. But also.. those are some of my best friends and the people who support me the most in my life. And this is actually not about them AT ALL. This is all me and my perspective. Just because you have a family member who shares too much on Facebook does not mean that they aren't the best person to turn to for advice and just because your college friend spends hours editing her arms for Instagram does not make her less worthy of your support. This is about radiating the energy you want back and appreciating others for the wonderful ways they impact your life.

Some people look at the girl with a full face of makeup and think.. I just wish she could love herself for who she is. Others look at the one blogging about her insecurities and think why does she need to overshare? I say.. everyone is on their own journey and we are all doing the best we can to laugh and smile as we get there. What looks like a mistake to you, may be the choice that they are most proud of this week.

If I could speak to the little girls growing up in 2018, I would say firstly.. You are are fortunate. This is an exciting and empowering time to be a women. Secondly, no one else is you and that is the value you bring to this world. Find peace and acceptance internally, never allowing the comments of others to impact your self-worth because all the traits you admire can only come from within.

What High School Sports Are Teaching Your Kids About Inequality

Last week I attended the Maine AA Boy's High School Basketball State Championship, a place I really never thought I'd be until I had kids of my own and definitely not the place I expected to be defining my view of inequality.

Before the game, I entertained myself by making small talk with a mother of one of the players on Scarborough's team. She was happy and nervous for her son, as I was for his coach, and after a few minutes of talking she expressed a level of excitement for something much larger than her son's game that night. She shared that her son was a three sport athlete... playing football, lacrosse and basketball most of his life. Though to my recollection he was a strong athlete all-around, she explained that he had always been much more focused on growing his skill in regards to the first two. That he spent countless hours outside of practice, since he was young, perfecting spirals and catching fly balls so that he would stand out among his peers. Where as with basketball, he simply joined because his father was in love with the sport and he could spend another season with his friends, but the passion for improvement was never there.

She said this dedication was most definitely linked to the fact that Scarborough, the town he grew up in, had countless State titles in both football and lacrosse. For years he went to these high school games and watched the older boys, that he grew up playing with, go on to succeed and bring pride to the town. I immediately related to this and couldn't help but realize, as I sat down for the game, that I too chose tennis and cheering as a child because the girls I grew up with had won countless championships before me. In fact, even my parents, wanting me to succeed, encouraged me to join these particular sports because of the success that my school had and therefore the strength of those programs in regards to nurturing my talent.

When the halftime buzzer rang, my mind wandered back to this idea. When I was young, the individuals I most looked up to were women who were confident and successful. I was lucky enough to have a mother who was a Sergeant Major, so the glass ceiling was not a relevant barrier in my young mind. If at 6 years old the sports I chose were so heavily based on the success I could picture for myself at 15 or 16. Then the careers I chose at 16 were most definitely based on the women I knew of having success in particular roles at 30+.

This mother had expressed how amazing it was, to her and the other parents in Scarborough, that the boys basketball team had made it to States that year. Not just because they had worked hard all season, but because all of the children in the stands who were currently in the feeder programs were able to watch the high school kids they looked up to succeed. Her son watched this team lose game after game when he was young and that completely changed the motivation he had for pursuing the sport.

When children look ahead they should able to find a women or man with a background they can relate to pursuing a future that they can aspire to themselves. Women in STEM roles inspire young girls to spend time out of the classroom making robots, it can be as simple as that. Though there are still many industries that do not have all genders and nationalities represented in their top-level positions, there is a way to change that. If you sit today unable to find someone like you in a position that you want, then you have to be that someone for the child behind you. 

Encourage your children to play the sports and pursue the careers where no one like them them has succeeded before. This will not only teach them remarkable life skills, but it could allow them to set a precedent for generations of young minds after them.

Month 1: Body Talk

January moto: To me, the body says what words cannot.
-Martha Graham


I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. As I've mentioned before, balance is not my forte.With that mentality comes a feeling of urgency and hunger. As if no matter how fast I go or item I check off, I am still behind where I want to be.. where I need to be. I'm not sure I'll ever be truly satisfied with myself because of this mindset, but I sure as hell won't ever settle. That is why, before starting this 12 month journey, I made sure to make overarching commandments. Which would guide me, calm me and remind me of what really matters.

Here are my commandments...

Be Kirsty.
Begin with love.
Find calm in day 366.
Embrace the unexpected.
Recognize and celebrate your growth.
Take control of your thoughts.
Spend time with your feelings.
Pause, always.
Be gentle with yourself.


This month was about foundation. Laying the groundwork for this year. When mapping out my 2018 goals I focused on this month the most, making sure that I put first things first. These goals will stack and, as I constantly remind myself, there will be more months to accomplish other aspirations.. but these are the necessities. When looking at next December, I wanted to know which of my goals, if achieved, would make me feel the most satisfied with my self-growth. After a little soul searching I determined the following 4 goals for January...


1. Hydrate: Drink a water with every alcoholic beverage
2. Safety: Don't touch your phone in the car
3. Mental Clarity: Stretch for 15 minutes a day
4. Strength: Sweat 4 times a week


Here I sit on January 25th, recognizing and celebrating my growth. And I realize I have some explaining to do..

1. If we've met, I'm sure you've heard me exclaim "I'm not a quitter!" This tends to be used in all contexts. Burpees, brunch, shots of tequila... I do not play around. This certainly has upsides and most definite downfalls. Usually my mouth is about 10 steps in front of my head and alcohol extends this gap another 20 feet. I've learned from experience that water helps. It helps the headaches from the booze and the headaches from the conversations I wish I did not have. I learned at a young age that regrets would be my downfall. Even back when Sunny D was my cocktail of choice, my mouth had a mind of its own and mulling over the words I said did not make my life any easier. Apology after apology I'd try to take back comments I made, but I've learned to except my fate and embrace my filterless existence. Some say my transparency is refreshing! Others would say my bluntness is rude. I say.. who cares! Quite frankly, I'm the only person who has to live with my words so I've chosen to accept them. BUT that doesn't mean that I need any fuel pumped into this motor mouth, which is exactly what liquor does. This past month, I have done better. Less Sunday scaries for sure and I'll accredit that to mixing in a freaking water. I will not say I drank one with EVERY drink, but I was a lot more mindful and that is my goal. Perfection is not attainable, so mindfulness is going to do just fine.


2. Many people in my life are afraid of flying. I've never really understood that because what frightens me most are situations where I hold the control. I'm sure any therapist could get to the bottom of that, but I'll just roll with it for now. For example, driving. I'm not a fan and I'm not that good at it. My mind is always in 100 locations and when I am behind the wheel, that is where it needs to be. A cell phone ads another 100 places for my mind to travel! You may be reading this and thinking, "Why would she admit that she uses her phone in the car!? That's so dangerous." Ya.. I know it is! And that is exactly why I have to admit it, to you and myself. I am here telling you all I have a problem and it terrifies me. It not drugs and I'm pretty positive it's not red wine (just yet) but it is using my phone in the car. I have it set that I have to tell my phone I am not driving once I am in a moving car to stop myself, but still after 10 minutes I find myself scanning emails.. What is wrong with me? I am going to have to start shutting it off because this is very important to me and I need to figure it out. I am not typing emails going 60 down the highway, but I allow my mind to wander at red lights and we all know that it only takes a second for a vehicle to change a lifetime. If you have any tricks that have helped you drop this horrible habit, PLEASE SHARE. I need to make a change.


3. My mom hates running. She's explained that through her years of military training, running was a mandatory task and physical measurement for gauging her fitness level. Therefore, once she no longer had to take PT tests, she decided that she no longer was going to do workouts that she did not find enjoyable. I find this similar to a child forced to eat vegetables and them growing to be an adult who embraces their free will by choosing to not each green beans. I like running and I like vegetables.. but I can relate. Stretching through my whole life has been my mandatory activity. I was a flyer in cheering and I remember sitting in splits crying, not from pain necessarily but because there was nothing I wanted to do less than stretch. Once my career as a flyer stopped and aggressive stretching was no longer was crucial, I did as little as possible. A few months later, this contempt had pushed back in my mind and I was focused on improving my body composition through weight lifting. My sister informed me that stretching would help my muscles recover quicker which would encourage growth and loosen my painfully tight hip joints (shocking I know). But at this time, stretching only had one purpose in my mind and I had never reframed to see all of the benefits that were unrelated to cheering. Can you think of one aspect of your life that you avoid because it is mandatory or once was? Can you find a way to reframe this activity for yourself? I was lucky to have done this without consciously trying! It can be very difficult... but so worth it! This past month, I have not stretched 15 minutes every day.. however I've learn a lot about framing stretching in a way that motivates me to do it and not dread the process. I enjoy stretching with other people after workout classes and in yoga, but find stretching alone miserable. Moving forward, I will plan my stretching in my workouts instead of telling myself to find time during the day. I am constantly putting new pressures on my body and stresses on my mind and I highly value the physical and mental benefits of stretching.. this is important to me and over the next month I will continue to work at this practice.

4. I work hard, I swear! The workouts I do get my heart rate up and I am out of breath, but I am just not a sweater. Though this may seem like a positive to others, it has its downsides. Sweat shows that you are working hard! Sweat gets toxins out of your body and skin! I could go to the gym 7 days this next week lifting weights and doing cardio, but unless I really kick my butt I am not going to perspire. I've also found that when I don't really sweat during a workout, I don't feel as accomplished and my mind doesn't feel as clear. I have been living the #fitlife for a while and I know that I prefer to work hard at a gym 4 days and then move my body in different ways the other 3 than work moderately hard at the gym all week. So I made a pact to myself. At least 4 times a week I will really sweat! If that means sprints before I leave after a class or jumping jacks in between sets of curls, I will get myself sweating. With this goal, I've done well! I found 2 classes that fit my schedule, are fun and always make me sweat. So twice a week I know for sure I'll get it in. For the other 2 days, I've been trying different types of circuits and cardio to find what gets me sweating the most. So maybe sweat is not actually the best indicator for how hard I've worked, but it gets me motivated to push myself and try new challenges. So it works for me!



So that was January! I'll be bringing these goals and their many lessons with me on my next month's journey and I am eager to be adding 4 more! February's focus is Mindfulness and Patience. The chapter where I learn to shut up. 

Do You See What I See?

Never have I looked to the next year for salvation. It is not that I haven't had low moments, and yes I know that there is someone reading this rolling their eyes at my definition of "low moments", but this is my story. I will not sit here and bear my soul in all its entirety these next 12 months, but I will do my best to be transparent. Without admitting struggle I cannot change or grow and that's my reason for this adventure. However my heart is in my chest for a reason, to protect it from outer harm, and I intend to keep it safe by maintaining some barriers between it and this world.

I intend to change starting January 1st and, like I've stated, it is not because I currently do not like who I am. It is more because I will change whether I take control of my life or not. We all start pure with our paths in life, more or less, undefined. We begin wearing unfiltered glasses to help us see the world for the first time. As we meet new people, learn new skills and have new experiences we grow. Our heart and mind hold on to these items and films cover our once clear lenses. I don't think it's worth the effort, or possible in most circumstances, to wipe off this coating. That layer has been built for a reason and it now changes how you see your world so that you can become more of yourself. This allows for you to see a flower and a wall and a baby different than I do. Based on what you were born with and what has happened to you since that day, we will never be the same. And that is beautiful! 

What a wonderful opportunity that we all have to share our views with someone else and enhance their perspective. I see perspective as this... Imagine if I was born on an island where I have to stay forever but my view is always staring at the Caribbean sea and you in similar circumstances but staring at the rolling hills of Ireland. Each view stunning in their own regard, but wouldn't it be amazing to see both? In this analogy, we can't leave. Just as we can't truly alter how our minds see our world. However, sharing perspective allows us to do just that. I may never leave my island, but my friend could share the shades of emerald shining from that Irish land and I could appreciate more of the world thanks to them. 

Every single one of us are our own being and every day we evolve more and more into who we will become. There is no end game, there is only what you put out into the universe and how you help shape others into their potential selves. A year from now, I will not be who I am today and I intend to grab onto the wheel with two hands. 

I've defined my next 12 months based on categories where I've found opportunity and I am excited. Truly. 22 years old and here I am grabbin life. I am technically lying in bed, but my mind is all that little girl standing on the bathroom counter shouting about how much she loves her life into the mirror. She gets it. Life IS freaking great if you just take a second to appreciate the little things, like loving up on your haircut and pajamas. I am not overly religious or spiritual, but to some extent I believe there is a purpose for all of us already defined. I believe each of us has someone at the end of our lives who we COULD become. Someone who has faced countless set backs, but has accomplished more than our now selves could ever even dream of accomplishing. BUT I don't believe that everyone becomes that person. Becoming someone we will be proud of is hard and terrifying. 

I have a good idea of what I want to see in the mirror at the end of my life. What I would have liked to have achieved so that the wrinkled eyes staring back at me are proud of the life I've lived. I like to live with that mindset, that the only person I am trying to impress is that woman. Every set back I face, I let her be my motivation. Some find it lonely once they realize that the only person who will always understand and be there for them until their last breath is their self.. but I find calm in knowing she will be there in the end.

Next month, I'll let my body do the talking... More details to come. But now that's enough about glasses, it's time to fill mine with champagne! 

I Don't Have Commitment Issues... Thanks To You

My freshman year of college I lost 25 pounds. My sophomore year of college I built a team of a dozen peers and lead a very successful direct sales team. A few months back I trained for 13 weeks and ran my first half marathon. Last year I gave up coffee for Lent and did not cheat once. Why am I giving you a laundry list of random recent accomplishments? Because there is a single reason that those were all not only goals I set, but fully committed to and succeeded at. Why were these goals different than the countless others my mind has dreamed up? I made public commitments to you. "You" meaning not just myself... I put my goal out there into the universe. After it escapes my mind, it truly does not matter if my progress is followed intricately by 40 friends or celebrated with a high five from a family member at the finish line. Once it's out of my mouth and written down it is real and it has expectations that mean something.

I'll be the first to say that I am my own harshest critic and I am not one to give up easily, but I accredit almost every large success I have had to other people. Not always their physical role, but the fact that I told another soul my intentions. Many of you have seen your friends on social media post that they are quitting a bad habit or getting a gym membership and proceed to  ask your computer screen why they feel the need to share... I am guilty as well. Most of the time, I am also guilty of allowing my own selfish reasons prevent me from encouraging them in these new endeavors.

The scene plays out as so... Status of random Facebook "friend" that I haven't seen since high school "Announcement all, I am starting Paleo for humanitarian reasons. Please post below any recipes you have! So excited for this journey!"... I can't tell you how many one liner jokes come to mind when I see this on my feed. Even though I have considered pursuing a similar dietary move, for similar reasons, almost weekly myself. Why is poking fun my natural inclination? Almost certainly insecurity. Stemming from fear and lack of willpower to do the same. This stranger has chosen to share their new goal, which most likely scares them, with all of us via social media. How brave! Who knows whether they are looking for supportive advice or encouraging words or, like me, just need to tell the universe so that I am held responsible. Social media has a bad rep and for many good reasons, but for this I'll defend these platforms. As humans, we have a need to connect with others and sites like Facebook allow us to do this. We all spend more hours inhabiting these spaces then we will admit... and I do not see that changing on a large scale any time soon. Let's all do our part to put a little more good energy into these social sites instead of complaining about the negatives. If you were really that "anti-social media" then you would not be posting a status about it. Since you've chosen to spend your time scrolling why not use minimal effort to encourage someone. Be the positive difference instead adding more negativity to our newsfeeds.

In conclusion, let Jen go vegan and Steve quit smoking and Jackie start Crossfit. They set a goal and have taken the first step by putting it out there and telling a friend or their 1000 friends on social media. I can speak from experience, when I say that public commitments have made all the difference between goals I have set and goals I have accomplished. Give them the thumbs up instead of the middle finger and maybe they'll do the same when you decide to pursue your next adventure.

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Speaking of adventures.... starting January 1 I will be going on my own. A journey I am bursting with excitement to journal and share. 2018 will be the year of my very own Happiness Project. Modeled after the book by Gretchen Rubin. My short synopsis of this read is.. Though she was a successful career women with a beautiful, loving family she commonly found herself stressed, argumentative and unappreciative. She didn't live with happiness as a high priority and as an avid researcher she decided to learn as much about the subject as possible. After months of collecting information and self reflecting on her very own happiness-hurdles she set a 12 month plan. Each month was given a broad subject like "January, Vitality: Boost Energy" with smaller steps under each larger focus. At the end of the year and her book.. well you'll have to read it yourself to hear the result... BUT I was inspired to do the same. Until I closed the cover and returned back to my day-to-day with not much more than a few small "happiness tips" implemented into my life.

I graduated last May and for the past 6 months I have been adjusting to my first full-time job and living back at home with my parents. For lack of better words, both aspects of post-college life are "great". I have a loving family, a supportive boyfriend, a cuddly dog and a job that provides me constant excitement and challenge. I can hear you all now... yeah, yeah that's nice Kirsty. So what's the problem? That's just it!! I haven't been able to put my finger on it and for someone who has never found words very difficult, this has been frustrating. I completed Gretchen's book months ago, but for the first time... the lightbulb clicked. This feeling I can only describe as 'uncomfortably comfortable'. I have determined that comfortable makes me itchy and stir-crazy and leaves me with a gross taste in my mouth. So I considered moving out... and booking a few long trips... and returning to school... and getting another dog. Well that all seemed a immature or unrealistic for the time being, as I am a recent grad with minimal resources. So how could I get out of my own way and continue to grow as a person while living back in my childhood room? Shake things up a bit. So I've done it. I have set my very own 12 month plan...

Details to follow.

My body can handle it, but hers can't.

This morning I ran 5.5 miles and it was 55 degrees and sunny. You're probably wondering why you should care... but there is a point I promise. Yesterday I ate a bagel for breakfast, wings for lunch and pizza for dinner with an unknown amount of beer. Again, there is a point.

As I was running today, I couldn't help but become increasingly aware of how fortunate I am to have a healthy, capable, young body that can handle an occasional day of garbage food and drinks and then allow me to run almost 6 miles with ease. I am not bragging nor ignoring the fact that I usually treat my body very well eating whole foods and exercising regularly. However, after a day of trash I was concerned that my body would revolt and refuse to let me run even though my head and heart wanted to enjoy the sunshine and sweat more than anything. Fortunately, my 21 year old muscles can take a hit and bounce back. For which I am extremely thankful! Many of you can probably relate in the sense that sharing my workout and health success has always come much easier than admitting my mess ups. Or what I would have titled "mess ups" a couple of years ago. Two years ago I would have enjoyed fatty food as a "treat" or have it and then feel a strong  sense of guilt. I would have run this morning to "make up" for the trash I push in my body and felt bad for probably a few days about my "mistake". These days I am able to see the bigger picture most of the time and allow myself to indulge on fatty foods that I like in moderation and exercise because it feels good and is great for me.

I began my post with that information so that I could thank my body and acknowledge my growth. I find super important to measure growth, whether that be physical, mental or emotional. In fact, I tell my clients countless times to take progress photos to see weight loss, body comp changes and/or muscle growth, but very rarely do I take the time to see how far I am coming in other aspects of my health. Physical health is important, but we rarely forget or are afraid to speak about our mental health as well.

Though my run felt great, my mind became increasingly upset as the miles passed and I attempted to appreciate my surroundings. The sky was clear blue, sun was warm and grass was covered in empty beer boxes, bottles, plastic containers and other garbage. I was stunned. I wanted to stop running at that moment and begin to pick up every single item, but regretfully I did not. I couldn't help but question why my Facebook feed is constantly filled with health activists stressing that we only have one body so we need to treat it well, but no one seems concerned that we only have one planet too. When we place garbage into our bodies we gain weight, lose energy, break out in acne and see clear signs that our body is not performing optimally due to our choices. If we paid attention, we'd see that Earth has her own way of sending signs that she is hurting. Her climate is not changing because she is bored with how it was... she is crying for help as we are planning more days by the beach. If personifying Earth makes you uncomfortable, I am truly sorry for you, but let me paint another picture to help you understand. Not only were there other cars and runners out this morning, but dozens of little animals. Birds, chipmunks and two adorable dogs were enjoying the sun as well. Watching a chipmunk nibble at a beer can made my stomach hurt and I hope that it would bother you too. Earth may not be a cute and fuzzy creature, but she can choke on this debris just the same.

I remember when I was about 10 years old someone told me that it takes about 7 years for gum to digest in a stomach if swallowed. That terrified me and I truly have done my best to never swallow a piece of gum since that day. Having gum in my stomach for 7 years was not a fate I was interested in, but boy do I wish someone would have told me that it takes 200-500 years for a can to decompose. I wonder if my choices through my childhood could have been altered a little more extremely than my bubble gum habits if I would have heard that statistic or the thousands of other equally startling facts.

Long story short. My ability to reframe and knowledge of macronutrients have allowed me to find a more balanced approach to eating and exercising. I see food as fuel and never "good" or "bad" because, like many of you know, the minute a food is on a "do not eat" list it suddenly becomes your favorite food! Weird how that works. I see exercising as a way to thank my body for all of the wonderful things that it does for me and truly enjoy the time I spend working out. The more I learned about health and fitness, the more I shared with other people who I love so that they could experience the joy and benefits that I saw. It was not until this run that I became to understand that I should be doing the same with the environment. I rarely speak about my views because I am truly not informed, but I know enough to be upset with our current situation and want to increase my knowledge so that I can share and do my part to help. Sure, using a few less paper towels or plastic cups may not change the world before I leave it, but it could aid a movement that will impact the world that my children's children's children live in.

This morning I ran with a true appreciation for the clear blue sky and warm sun because of a deep understanding that it may not be like this for long. You have one body and we have one Earth and both give you everything they are able to every single day. If you treat yourself like junk, you will have to deal with the consequences which is sad but truly only affects yourself. Your choice to litter affects us all. Our bodies can handle a few skipped workouts or second slices of pie, but Earth truly can't handle any more mistreatment. She's not a trash can, she is our home!

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Buffalo Chicken Dip- Healthier Football Sunday

Football Sunday is one of my favorite days of the week, especially when I am home from school. Getting together with friends and family to crowd around the television screen and rally behind our favorite team (the Pats, of course) is so much fun! I am going to admit that until the last year or so the only thing truly attracted me to a football party was... the snacks. I mean we can all agree that any excuse to eat chili, chips and endless dips is enough to draw any foodie in. Though my interest and understanding of the sport has truly grown in recent years, so has my commitment to a healthy lifestyle and obsession with finding "cleaner" alternatives for fattening, but delicious, favorites. My boyfriend's family takes football very seriously and the spread of food that accompanies these games is no joke. When halftime begins and everyone floods into the kitchen, they are expecting a few game day staples. So you can understand my nerves the first time I offered to bring my "Healthier Buffalo Chicken Dip"!

Once they got passed my boyfriend informing everyone that there was Greek yogurt in the dip (talk about an interception)... it was a crowd favorite!

The original idea for this dip came from my sister, who refuses to ever measure when trying new recipes. However, this was too good to not be able to share for others to make! Below is the recipe that I use to make our Buffalo Chicken Dip for a healthier Football Sunday. Try bringing it to your Superbowl party and see what your fans think. We may have made a few healthier swaps, but that just means you can eat the whole tray using a spoon, right!? Football Sunday doesn't have to be your "cheat day", especially since us Pats fans DON'T NEED TO CHEAT. 

Serves: 10 people 

1 serving:
Calories- 150
Fat- 3 grams
Carbs- 4 grams
Protein- 26 grams

Ingredients:

Chicken breast or tenders 1.5 pounds 

Plain 0% Greek Yogurt 1.5 - 2 cups

Reduced Fat Blue Cheese Crumbles 1/2 cup

Fat Free Mozzarella Shredded 1/2 cup

Fat Free Cream Cheese 1 Package (14 tbs)

Franks Red Hot Sauce 1/4 cup

Cayenne Pepper 1 tsp

Garlic Powder 1 tsp

** Ultimate Insanity Hot Sauce... to taste. I also put a few drops of this for additional spice, but BEWARE. I have horror stories from using too much of this sauce. It is no joke!

Steps:

1. Trim fat from chicken and cut into tender-sized pieces. Throw in a pot on the stove with a dash of salt and enough water to cover the chicken. Boil the water. Once boiling, place on simmer and keep chicken cooking until it is no longer pink. You will be shredding the chicken, so size of the pieces doesn't end up mattering.

2.  In a medium bowl, mix 1 cup of Greek yogurt and the full amount of all other ingredients (besides the chicken).

3. Once chicken is cooked, shred it by using two forks pulling in opposite directions on a cutting board. Add the shredded chicken to the bowl and mix. 

4. Add remaining 1/2 to 1 cup of Greek yogurt to the bowl, depending on how thick you want the dip,

5. Add more hot sauce and/or cayenne pepper until you reach desired spice level.

6. Transfer bowl into microwave safe container to serve.

I have served this dish three ways.

You can....

1. Before serving, heat in the microwave and stir until it is bubbling and hot! -- easiest way

2. Before serving, heat in microwave, then top with additional shredded cheese. Place in oven on high broil until cheese layer is bubbling. 

3. Before serving, top with additional shredded cheese and place in oven at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. 

 ***The cheese layer browned in the oven makes for a more aesthetic dip, but usually I usually choose the easier way.

Serve with:

Veggie sticks or your favorite healthier chip! We love Trader Joes' Veggie and Flax Seed Tortilla Chips in my house.

Additional ideas:

If you have dip leftover (which I rarely do), I have topped a Flatout Flatbread wrap or pizza crust with the spread and baked it in the oven for a healthier buffalo chicken pizza. I simply, bake the Flatout Flatbread at 375 degrees for 2 minutes, top with the dip and then bake for 4-5 more minutes. So EASY! I also, have used the dip to make buffalo chicken wraps, sandwiches and to top salads. 

However, my favorite way to enjoy this dip is all by myself with a big spoon!!

** I used 1/3 less fat cream cheese here because my local grocery store was out of fat free.

Ride the Wave. You Can't Control the Moon.

“Balance is the key to everything. What we do, think, say, eat, feel, they all require awareness, and through awareness we can grow.” - Koi Fresco

I like to believe that sleepless nights are caused by the moon. A few years back I read that due to our bodies being made up of 60% water, the moon pulls and pushes on us just as it does the ocean tides. Though I was not (am not) sure of the validity behind this factoid, I found a calm happiness in the connection that it created. This allowed me to burden the moon with my midnight, restless mind and dismiss the assumption that my active thoughts were linked to stress or anxiety. 

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For more of my life, I would say that I was obviously a child of the sun. Full of energy, loud, passionate, careless, unworried. I lived quickly and exuberantly, leaving a fiery path wherever I went. Never quite rebellious or hotheaded, but I was most certainly always in a rush and on a mission. Though now I still hold on to many of these traits that I believe make me the individual that I am, I have also found another side to me that was only realized with age and time spent alone. My parents always told other adults that when I was solo I was quiet and calm. They were almost always shocked. This was because I came alive in groups or a crowd (still today I find great energy at gatherings or in team environments). Even so, I have found a calm in my whirlwind nature. 

Being alone for a period of time, whether that means out of a relationship or in a new country, allows you to get to know yourself as if you are discovering a brand new person. Ask yourself these questions... How would you spend your time if you could plan a week on your own? What would you wear if you'd only see strangers? What would you listen to if no one would hear? What do you genuinely like to do? I would not have been able to answer these questions at many times of my life. When you move so quickly and get absorbed in experiences so deeply that you don't notice your surroundings, you can lose who you are or never actually become who you are meant to be...without ever realizing. After being alone, I found a quieter side to my self. Not only was this side a bit darker, but calmer. I was able to sit still and slow down in the middle of a city with bustling people and busy intersections. I was able to pinpoint my feelings toward exact emotions and thoughts. I was able to appreciate small details and simple moments unlike ever before. I found my moon.

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Control has always been a delicate balancing act for me. As much as I believe that everything will always work out as it is supposed to NOW, I have always found a calm in control. I have learned that there are different types of people on this matter. Some actually find lists and schedules to be stressful... That is still odd to me, as I do not at all. The more I am able to plan an event or situation, the more I am usually able to relax. Going with the flow has truly never been natural for me. But like all aspects of my self growth journey, I noticed this as an opportunity and have been trying to improve upon it every chance that I get. Learning to take life as it comes, or bob in the ocean, has been critical to my self-development and relationship building. I used to always feel that if I allowed myself to go with the tide I would eventually 1. Be taken under by the waves that I couldn't see coming or 2. Be left behind by those who swam harder past me. 

I had to reframe...

"Being present" was not the opposite of forward thinking, but appreciating the moment I am in.

"Going with the flow" was not being lazy or submissive, but being adaptive and open-minded.

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My point is this. Sometimes I will wake up bright and energetic facing the sun and other days I'll be drawn toward the quiet and stillness of the moon. I may not always know why I feel one way or another, but I have been able to find positives in harnessing both influences. The days will keep passing and no matter how hard you or I try, we will never be in total control. Find the joy in the whirlwind of life and breathe in the ocean air every second that you can. 

RIDE THE WAVE, we all reach the shore either way. 

Spaghetti Squash Chicken and Broccoli Pad Thai

Makes: 4 servings

1 serving

Calories- 283

Fat- 8.6 grams

Carbs- 19.5

Protein- 33

Ingredients:

Noodles-

• 1/2 medium spaghetti squash
• 2 cups of bean sprouts

Pad Thai sauce-

• 1/2 cup chicken broth, low fat, low sodium
• 2 tablespoons soy sauce, low sodum
• 2 tablespoons peanut butter, natural
• 1 tablespoons Sriracha 
• 1.5 teaspoons of brown rice flour (or other healthy flour alternative) 
• Honey/Truvia/Agave... sweetener of choice
• Red pepper flakes 

Other-

• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 small onion, chopped
• 1 pound of boneless chicken
• 1 head of broccoli
• 1/4 cup peanuts, crushed 

Recipe:

1. Cut chicken into smaller pieces and trim fat. Place in pot with enough water to cover and set on high with a dash of salt. Once boiling, check chicken to make sure it is cooked through. Drain water and take off the stove top. Recover pot with chicken inside to keep warm.

2. Poke holes in spaghetti squash in a line using a fork, going top to bottom on both sides. Place in microwave for 5 minutes to soften. Once done, cut along the lines using a large sharp knife so the squash is in two equal sides. Next, place the two pieces with their insides facing down on a large plate and place back in the microwave for 15 minutes.

3. Chop broccoli and your onion into small pieces. Dice garlic or use 1 tbs of minced garlic. 

4. In a large pan add olive oil, garlic and onion. Cook on medium/high heat until fragrant. Add broccoli and bean sprouts. Cook for two minutes, stirring often. 

4. Mix chicken broth, soy sauce, peanut butter, Sriracha and flour in a bowl. Add to broccoli and bean sprout mixture in pan and stir. Add in 1-2 tbs of red pepper flakes, depending on how spicy you would like it. If you prefer a sweeter sauce, add sweetener to taste. Add soy, flakes, Sriracha and sweetener until desired flavor is achieved.

5. Take chicken out of the pot and cut into small pieces. 

6. Use a fork to scrape the insides of 1/2 the squash until all of the "spaghetti" is out. Add the spaghetti and chicken to the pan. 

7. Serve! 

**(Do what you please with second half. I saved and made a second batch of this recipe for the next day!)

Sweaty Mats and Rocky Paths

At the end of a sweaty 60 minute hot yoga session this afternoon with my sister, our teacher read a passage to us. I can not be sure if it was due to the light headed feeling from dehydration, that the chapter I am currently on in my book focuses on mindfulness or a honest to God connection, but this story stuck with me. As she spoke, I found myself feeling very aligned with the warrior she described.

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The story starts with balance. Our quest to constantly find it in everything that we do. "Work-life balance" is a common term that is tossed around at school, with my peers, in interviews and in my own head. At this age and time in my life, I feel grateful to feel so grounded. I am confident in my values and that I will allow those to guide me along my own life path. In my personal and professional life, I have many goals and I refuse to ever let there come a point at which I choose to pursue one so heavily that the other greatly suffers. Without my support system of loved ones, I do not see the motivator behind becoming professionally successful. Sure, accolade, higher education, making an impact and money (yes, I said it) interest me and are determinants of success in my future, but they will never fill the void that a life without family would create.

I am a hard worker, perfectionist and am extremely competitive. Yet I am also a lover, a dreamer and an unruly optimist. 

Next, the story speaks of crawling. Staying close to the ground so that we are able to see the beauty in the moment and the struggle. While also learning about ourselves and our path. By crawling through life, instead of running, we are able to be present and appreciate the good with the bad.

Love is the moral of this story. The importance of making choices to walk alongside another traveler while listening to them and sharing yourself with them instead of pushing along alone. You will learn from them and they will guide you in ways that you never knew you needed. Life was not meant to be traveled through by ourselves. We fall down and wobble so that we may lean others to help us. Don't let your ego stop you from loving and creating relationships. As a very independent person, I understand the need to provide that you can do it on your own... trust me. Try to stay mindful that just because you can, doesn't mean you always should. Be courageous to open yourself up when you are the most afraid, broken and vulnerable. Be authentic in every thing that you do and you will find others who recognize and relate with your true heart.

The last part of the story reminded me that I am stronger than I think I am. "Trust and keep moving." There is a reason that I am here, that I am challenged, that I feel heartache, that I experience loss. Though I am not overly religious, I am spiritual. I do believe that everything happens for a reason; that there is always a purpose. If I am tested, it is to teach and strengthen me. I am never given a weight (metaphorically or physically) that is too heavy for me to hold or lift if I convince my mind that I am able. However, it is important to understand our own strengths and limitations and be proud and humble of those without comparing them to others. We should be proud of who we are and what we are able to do without measuring against peers or professionals. I am not less because they are more or more because they are less. "Comparison is the thief of joy."


Life is a constant balancing act and sometimes you will fall one way or another, but falling does not mean failing. Our journey is made up of peaks and valleys, but the glorious highs cannot be reached if we choose to give up while we wallow in our darkest trenches. 

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As I sit here curled up on my couch and write these words, the satirical and nay-saying devil on my shoulder has some thoughts as well. "How can you be both motivated by money and goals for your future and also preach being present and thankful?" ... "If reaching the ideal state of balance is truly unattainable, then what is truly the point?" .... "Since when did you become such a hippie?"

But, I will choose to ignore those questions right now and sip my zen green tea with lemon. Today I am passionate about yoga and will most likely spend the majority of my night reading up on the teachings of Buddha and finishing my chapter on mindfulness in The Happiness Project. Tomorrow, I may be whistling a whole 'nother tune. Though I may not move to India and become a Buddhist Monk in the near future (I have heard something about a vow of silence? Yikes!). I will keep this story in the back of my head as a constant reminder to crawl through life, to be both a teacher and student through love and always trust the path.

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Following class, I was able to find the author and exact passage online. You can read it for yourself below. I am interested to know if you also find a deep, personal connection to these words or if maybe I was truly just really feeling the Shavasana end of yoga mood.


Love Warrior, 5 Things I Know About the Path

..."If you were perfectly balanced- you’d never have to take any ones hand to steady yourself, and that would be a tragedy. There is no solid ground on the path – so don’t hold your breath till you find it. Breathe deeply and keep moving forward awkwardly. You can make it down the whole path imbalanced and flailing. When you fall, give thanks for the opportunity to rest. While you’re down, send love to every other path walker who’s down with you at that moment. Then get back up. Or crawl. Crawling is encouraged and respected. Path running is fine, but crawling is much better. Crawlers travel with their eyes close to the ground – so they never miss an inch of the beautiful, rocky path. Crawlers get less glory but learn the most about the path’s terrain.

Your fellow travelers are your teachers and students. Your relationships with them will be the hardest part of path-walking. To avoid humbling oneself into the role of student and courag-ing oneself into the role of teacher – many try to walk the path alone. But the path was not designed for solo treks. The path was designed to teach Love. Whenever you introduce your true self to a fellow path traveler and listen and speak and learn and stay with her for a while- that is called Love. Walking With and Staying With messy fellow path travelers for any length of time is Love. Love is the most brutal and beautiful part of path traveling. Participate. Learn from and teach every path traveler you encounter. Exchanging love with fellow path travelers is how we gather the wisdom and strength we’ll need to overcome the next obstacle on our path. Note – You do not teach by teaching- you teach by loving. Be humble and courageous.

You always have enough strength and courage and wisdom. You always have exactly what you need for your daily trek. Sometimes you won’t believe this- because you will encounter stretches of the path that are treacherous and terrifying, but if you give up in the middle of those stretches – if you sit down permanently in them- then you have to live there. Don’t live in the dark, scary parts. Trust and keep moving.  There will be a clearing soon and you will feel the warm sun again. The One who created your path is outside of time, so your life is an epic movie that has already been scripted. Maktub – it’s already been written. You’ve already made it. So don’t plan or worry – your job is to Trust Your Path and participate fully and notice as much as you possibly can and keep on moving.
Don’t ever become proud or ashamed. Don’t become proud that you are further along than many travelers or ashamed that you are far behind others. Your position on the path relative to other travelers has nothing to do with your strength or stamina or wisdom or cunning. We are all in different places because we all have different entry points to the path. Where you are and where everyone else is along the path is none of your concern or business. Let that go. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, always, and so is everyone else. The portion of the path you wake up to today was written for you. Everyone is EXACTLY where she is supposed to be. You are not your own or anyone else’s path-planner. You are a just a traveler. You just keep moving. Trust the Path. Tweet: You are not the path-planner. You are a just a traveler. Keep moving. Trust the Path.

Follow in the footsteps of a billion other mighty travelers who have walked and run and crawled the path before you. Fear not.

Carry On, Warrior."

- Glennon Doyle Melton

Grabbing Life by the Fruit

For a moment, do your best to put yourself in this situation... You're having a rough start to your morning, but you remember to grab a few items as you head out the door to eat for breakfast on your way to work. One of these items being an apple. Your stuck in traffic, stomach growling and you bite into the apple as you try to find a radio station that doesn't make your mood worse. Then you realize that your apple tastes different. It has a rougher feel as you chew and it is much sweeter than most that you've eaten. It doesn't taste bad, but it does not taste exactly like an apple. You know that you have tasted something similar before so you continue to bite the fruit while you try to figure out this familiar taste. Then it hits you, this apple reminds you almost exactly of eating a pear! You are thrilled momentarily to have made the connection, but then get annoyed of the fact that you specifically bought apples and should have paid more attention when making your selection. You stop eating the fruit and throw it out your car window as traffic begins to let up and you continue to work. 

Okay, now come back to me. The point of this story is not to figure out if you, indeed, did purchase the wrong fruit. But to show you how mindset impacts every single situation. Even ones as small as eating a snack in your car. Whether the fruit was an apple or a pear is trivial. Enjoying the fruit because, in that moment, you found it delicious and it fueled your body would have been the ideal reaction. Instead of eating the apple only to solve a question, you could have savored the sweetness of each bite for what it was. I could even go further to say that you could have been thankful in that moment that you can afford gas in your car, fresh fruit in your grocery cart and have a job to be going to. 

In everyday life this need to have productive reasoning behind every choice can be toxic. To view work only as a way to make money. To feed your child only because they are crying. To workout only to lose weight. Framing every day, necessary, acts negatively will result in a negative mindset that only allows you to build up an animosity toward them. If you place an activity in a negative frame, it WILL become a negative activity. This may be life altering news, but you can do some activities just because you like them. Gretchen Rubin in her book The Happiness Project actually writes "...it is easy to be heavy: hard to be light." Meaning that being unhappy takes less work than trying to be happy; which many of us can relate to. Reframing can change the way you live because how you see your life is how you live your life. You can live a happier, more present, more fulfilled life simply by altering how you view everyday occurrences. 

I am not saying that you should walk through life with eyes closed, biting into ever situation without any expectations or to be content with any outcome thrown your way. Drinking orange juice instead of water after you brush your teeth is, and will always be, unfortunate and reframing will not get that horrible taste out of your mouth. However, what I am arguing is that if you can come to the realization that you have control over how you think and feel in every situation, you will then establish more control over your life. I am sure you have heard some play on the saying "You can't change what happens to you. You can only change how you react to those moments." I 100% believe this to be true. Take each experience for what is it and challenge yourself to find the good in that moment. There is always something to be thankful for if you look hard enough. 

I challenge you to try this exercise today. Please don't wait for a horrible experience where you are truly tested, but practice with small unexpected instances in the moment that they are occuring. 

Life is unpredictable, but you have more control than you think.