Doll Faced Insecurities

When I was eight years old, my family took a trip to New York City and I was fortunate enough to have been brought to the American Doll Store. For those of you who have never been an eight year old girl, this was pretty much Disney Land and Christmas wrapped into one. The place has multiple floors with a full selection of dolls, clothing, a salon and even a restaurant where you can eat a meal with your doll. It's fairly elaborate and an absolute dream for most young girls. They have a popular option where you can purchase a look-a-like doll and I was very eager play along! How I remember this working was they gave me a sheet to fill out with all of my characteristics (hair color, eye color, skin color, etc), they created a mini-me doll and sent it to my house. A few weeks after returning from my trip the doll arrived and my mom turned to me puzzled. My "look-a-like" had green eyes, however mine are brown. She thought that they must have made a mistake, but I informed her that I had chosen to make hers green because I thought that I would be prettier that way. At eight years old, instead of getting a doll that looked just like me, I chose to make an "improvement" the first chance that I got.

I would not say that I was an insecure child. From the outside most people who knew me would have thought, and would still think, the complete opposite. I am a very transparent extrovert, which comes across as extremely confident. A trait that used to bother me, but I have learned to embrace. As with most emotions, I truly believe that you can fake it until you make it. Acting confident DOES make you feel more confident. However, that does not mean that I did not grow up with my fair share of insecurities. I have compared myself to my peers, strangers and celebrities my entire life. I remember breaking down in tears at 12 years old because all of my friends were getting boobs and I could have easily still gone topless at the beach. Why I wanted boobs so bad at 12 was simple. The media told me that they were what beautiful women had. Like any young girl, I wanted to fit in and I wanted to be beautiful. I can truly say that when I was little I never thought to myself  "I really hope that I am super smart one day", but I remember crying over this AA cup dilemma multiple times. Am I proud to admit this? No, but few complements are thrown at young girls that do not involve their physical appearance. Despite that truth, I also was not raised to focus on my appearance. I taught myself to use mascara and am the only women in my family who regularly wears heels. All odds were against me to become a "girly girl", but here I am.. Cheetah print and all! I find power and self-love in getting dressed up and smacking some makeup on. No, I am not here today to apologize for that.

Now take that young girl and plug her into 2018. She had a Myspace page through middle school, Facebook through high school and Instagram through college. Her peers idolize doll faced, silicone billionaires and do their best to catch a "like" as strangers mindlessly scroll through thousands of identical posts. Judgement gets hurled at this generation for caring what others think, but can you blame us? Our entire lives have been virtually published and rated by our classmates.. parent's friends.. complete strangers out in the open since we were in our pre-teen most vulnerable age. As if young adults do not have enough to worry about with our bodies changing, acne and hearts breaking, but now they are compared "live" as they sit back and watch.

I have always been someone who is attracted to the energies of others. That experience when talking with someone whose vibe radiates so strong that you feel caffeinated. Authentic connections and soul talks light up my world and make me smile so big that my face hurts.. that is when I feel the most aligned. Those are the hours that never seem wasted, that charge me up for weeks. BUT still.. I fall into the trap. I get into the groove with an old friend discussing photo lighting and good angles and what that girl from high school posted last week.. That shit makes me WILD. My heart actually feels so heavy that I am sick to my stomach after spending an afternoon discussing pointless topics and petty gossip. It's like a tornado that spins by, glittery and aromatic, sucking me in whenever my guard is down.

So what do I do about it? Unfollow people who edit their faces out of their photos? Delete my social media pages? Leave conversations that include topics that weigh me down? Sure, yes.. I've done each one more times than I can count. But also.. those are some of my best friends and the people who support me the most in my life. And this is actually not about them AT ALL. This is all me and my perspective. Just because you have a family member who shares too much on Facebook does not mean that they aren't the best person to turn to for advice and just because your college friend spends hours editing her arms for Instagram does not make her less worthy of your support. This is about radiating the energy you want back and appreciating others for the wonderful ways they impact your life.

Some people look at the girl with a full face of makeup and think.. I just wish she could love herself for who she is. Others look at the one blogging about her insecurities and think why does she need to overshare? I say.. everyone is on their own journey and we are all doing the best we can to laugh and smile as we get there. What looks like a mistake to you, may be the choice that they are most proud of this week.

If I could speak to the little girls growing up in 2018, I would say firstly.. You are are fortunate. This is an exciting and empowering time to be a women. Secondly, no one else is you and that is the value you bring to this world. Find peace and acceptance internally, never allowing the comments of others to impact your self-worth because all the traits you admire can only come from within.

What High School Sports Are Teaching Your Kids About Inequality

Last week I attended the Maine AA Boy's High School Basketball State Championship, a place I really never thought I'd be until I had kids of my own and definitely not the place I expected to be defining my view of inequality.

Before the game, I entertained myself by making small talk with a mother of one of the players on Scarborough's team. She was happy and nervous for her son, as I was for his coach, and after a few minutes of talking she expressed a level of excitement for something much larger than her son's game that night. She shared that her son was a three sport athlete... playing football, lacrosse and basketball most of his life. Though to my recollection he was a strong athlete all-around, she explained that he had always been much more focused on growing his skill in regards to the first two. That he spent countless hours outside of practice, since he was young, perfecting spirals and catching fly balls so that he would stand out among his peers. Where as with basketball, he simply joined because his father was in love with the sport and he could spend another season with his friends, but the passion for improvement was never there.

She said this dedication was most definitely linked to the fact that Scarborough, the town he grew up in, had countless State titles in both football and lacrosse. For years he went to these high school games and watched the older boys, that he grew up playing with, go on to succeed and bring pride to the town. I immediately related to this and couldn't help but realize, as I sat down for the game, that I too chose tennis and cheering as a child because the girls I grew up with had won countless championships before me. In fact, even my parents, wanting me to succeed, encouraged me to join these particular sports because of the success that my school had and therefore the strength of those programs in regards to nurturing my talent.

When the halftime buzzer rang, my mind wandered back to this idea. When I was young, the individuals I most looked up to were women who were confident and successful. I was lucky enough to have a mother who was a Sergeant Major, so the glass ceiling was not a relevant barrier in my young mind. If at 6 years old the sports I chose were so heavily based on the success I could picture for myself at 15 or 16. Then the careers I chose at 16 were most definitely based on the women I knew of having success in particular roles at 30+.

This mother had expressed how amazing it was, to her and the other parents in Scarborough, that the boys basketball team had made it to States that year. Not just because they had worked hard all season, but because all of the children in the stands who were currently in the feeder programs were able to watch the high school kids they looked up to succeed. Her son watched this team lose game after game when he was young and that completely changed the motivation he had for pursuing the sport.

When children look ahead they should able to find a women or man with a background they can relate to pursuing a future that they can aspire to themselves. Women in STEM roles inspire young girls to spend time out of the classroom making robots, it can be as simple as that. Though there are still many industries that do not have all genders and nationalities represented in their top-level positions, there is a way to change that. If you sit today unable to find someone like you in a position that you want, then you have to be that someone for the child behind you. 

Encourage your children to play the sports and pursue the careers where no one like them them has succeeded before. This will not only teach them remarkable life skills, but it could allow them to set a precedent for generations of young minds after them.

Month 1: Body Talk

January moto: To me, the body says what words cannot.
-Martha Graham


I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. As I've mentioned before, balance is not my forte.With that mentality comes a feeling of urgency and hunger. As if no matter how fast I go or item I check off, I am still behind where I want to be.. where I need to be. I'm not sure I'll ever be truly satisfied with myself because of this mindset, but I sure as hell won't ever settle. That is why, before starting this 12 month journey, I made sure to make overarching commandments. Which would guide me, calm me and remind me of what really matters.

Here are my commandments...

Be Kirsty.
Begin with love.
Find calm in day 366.
Embrace the unexpected.
Recognize and celebrate your growth.
Take control of your thoughts.
Spend time with your feelings.
Pause, always.
Be gentle with yourself.


This month was about foundation. Laying the groundwork for this year. When mapping out my 2018 goals I focused on this month the most, making sure that I put first things first. These goals will stack and, as I constantly remind myself, there will be more months to accomplish other aspirations.. but these are the necessities. When looking at next December, I wanted to know which of my goals, if achieved, would make me feel the most satisfied with my self-growth. After a little soul searching I determined the following 4 goals for January...


1. Hydrate: Drink a water with every alcoholic beverage
2. Safety: Don't touch your phone in the car
3. Mental Clarity: Stretch for 15 minutes a day
4. Strength: Sweat 4 times a week


Here I sit on January 25th, recognizing and celebrating my growth. And I realize I have some explaining to do..

1. If we've met, I'm sure you've heard me exclaim "I'm not a quitter!" This tends to be used in all contexts. Burpees, brunch, shots of tequila... I do not play around. This certainly has upsides and most definite downfalls. Usually my mouth is about 10 steps in front of my head and alcohol extends this gap another 20 feet. I've learned from experience that water helps. It helps the headaches from the booze and the headaches from the conversations I wish I did not have. I learned at a young age that regrets would be my downfall. Even back when Sunny D was my cocktail of choice, my mouth had a mind of its own and mulling over the words I said did not make my life any easier. Apology after apology I'd try to take back comments I made, but I've learned to except my fate and embrace my filterless existence. Some say my transparency is refreshing! Others would say my bluntness is rude. I say.. who cares! Quite frankly, I'm the only person who has to live with my words so I've chosen to accept them. BUT that doesn't mean that I need any fuel pumped into this motor mouth, which is exactly what liquor does. This past month, I have done better. Less Sunday scaries for sure and I'll accredit that to mixing in a freaking water. I will not say I drank one with EVERY drink, but I was a lot more mindful and that is my goal. Perfection is not attainable, so mindfulness is going to do just fine.


2. Many people in my life are afraid of flying. I've never really understood that because what frightens me most are situations where I hold the control. I'm sure any therapist could get to the bottom of that, but I'll just roll with it for now. For example, driving. I'm not a fan and I'm not that good at it. My mind is always in 100 locations and when I am behind the wheel, that is where it needs to be. A cell phone ads another 100 places for my mind to travel! You may be reading this and thinking, "Why would she admit that she uses her phone in the car!? That's so dangerous." Ya.. I know it is! And that is exactly why I have to admit it, to you and myself. I am here telling you all I have a problem and it terrifies me. It not drugs and I'm pretty positive it's not red wine (just yet) but it is using my phone in the car. I have it set that I have to tell my phone I am not driving once I am in a moving car to stop myself, but still after 10 minutes I find myself scanning emails.. What is wrong with me? I am going to have to start shutting it off because this is very important to me and I need to figure it out. I am not typing emails going 60 down the highway, but I allow my mind to wander at red lights and we all know that it only takes a second for a vehicle to change a lifetime. If you have any tricks that have helped you drop this horrible habit, PLEASE SHARE. I need to make a change.


3. My mom hates running. She's explained that through her years of military training, running was a mandatory task and physical measurement for gauging her fitness level. Therefore, once she no longer had to take PT tests, she decided that she no longer was going to do workouts that she did not find enjoyable. I find this similar to a child forced to eat vegetables and them growing to be an adult who embraces their free will by choosing to not each green beans. I like running and I like vegetables.. but I can relate. Stretching through my whole life has been my mandatory activity. I was a flyer in cheering and I remember sitting in splits crying, not from pain necessarily but because there was nothing I wanted to do less than stretch. Once my career as a flyer stopped and aggressive stretching was no longer was crucial, I did as little as possible. A few months later, this contempt had pushed back in my mind and I was focused on improving my body composition through weight lifting. My sister informed me that stretching would help my muscles recover quicker which would encourage growth and loosen my painfully tight hip joints (shocking I know). But at this time, stretching only had one purpose in my mind and I had never reframed to see all of the benefits that were unrelated to cheering. Can you think of one aspect of your life that you avoid because it is mandatory or once was? Can you find a way to reframe this activity for yourself? I was lucky to have done this without consciously trying! It can be very difficult... but so worth it! This past month, I have not stretched 15 minutes every day.. however I've learn a lot about framing stretching in a way that motivates me to do it and not dread the process. I enjoy stretching with other people after workout classes and in yoga, but find stretching alone miserable. Moving forward, I will plan my stretching in my workouts instead of telling myself to find time during the day. I am constantly putting new pressures on my body and stresses on my mind and I highly value the physical and mental benefits of stretching.. this is important to me and over the next month I will continue to work at this practice.

4. I work hard, I swear! The workouts I do get my heart rate up and I am out of breath, but I am just not a sweater. Though this may seem like a positive to others, it has its downsides. Sweat shows that you are working hard! Sweat gets toxins out of your body and skin! I could go to the gym 7 days this next week lifting weights and doing cardio, but unless I really kick my butt I am not going to perspire. I've also found that when I don't really sweat during a workout, I don't feel as accomplished and my mind doesn't feel as clear. I have been living the #fitlife for a while and I know that I prefer to work hard at a gym 4 days and then move my body in different ways the other 3 than work moderately hard at the gym all week. So I made a pact to myself. At least 4 times a week I will really sweat! If that means sprints before I leave after a class or jumping jacks in between sets of curls, I will get myself sweating. With this goal, I've done well! I found 2 classes that fit my schedule, are fun and always make me sweat. So twice a week I know for sure I'll get it in. For the other 2 days, I've been trying different types of circuits and cardio to find what gets me sweating the most. So maybe sweat is not actually the best indicator for how hard I've worked, but it gets me motivated to push myself and try new challenges. So it works for me!



So that was January! I'll be bringing these goals and their many lessons with me on my next month's journey and I am eager to be adding 4 more! February's focus is Mindfulness and Patience. The chapter where I learn to shut up.