Doll Faced Insecurities

When I was eight years old, my family took a trip to New York City and I was fortunate enough to have been brought to the American Doll Store. For those of you who have never been an eight year old girl, this was pretty much Disney Land and Christmas wrapped into one. The place has multiple floors with a full selection of dolls, clothing, a salon and even a restaurant where you can eat a meal with your doll. It's fairly elaborate and an absolute dream for most young girls. They have a popular option where you can purchase a look-a-like doll and I was very eager play along! How I remember this working was they gave me a sheet to fill out with all of my characteristics (hair color, eye color, skin color, etc), they created a mini-me doll and sent it to my house. A few weeks after returning from my trip the doll arrived and my mom turned to me puzzled. My "look-a-like" had green eyes, however mine are brown. She thought that they must have made a mistake, but I informed her that I had chosen to make hers green because I thought that I would be prettier that way. At eight years old, instead of getting a doll that looked just like me, I chose to make an "improvement" the first chance that I got.

I would not say that I was an insecure child. From the outside most people who knew me would have thought, and would still think, the complete opposite. I am a very transparent extrovert, which comes across as extremely confident. A trait that used to bother me, but I have learned to embrace. As with most emotions, I truly believe that you can fake it until you make it. Acting confident DOES make you feel more confident. However, that does not mean that I did not grow up with my fair share of insecurities. I have compared myself to my peers, strangers and celebrities my entire life. I remember breaking down in tears at 12 years old because all of my friends were getting boobs and I could have easily still gone topless at the beach. Why I wanted boobs so bad at 12 was simple. The media told me that they were what beautiful women had. Like any young girl, I wanted to fit in and I wanted to be beautiful. I can truly say that when I was little I never thought to myself  "I really hope that I am super smart one day", but I remember crying over this AA cup dilemma multiple times. Am I proud to admit this? No, but few complements are thrown at young girls that do not involve their physical appearance. Despite that truth, I also was not raised to focus on my appearance. I taught myself to use mascara and am the only women in my family who regularly wears heels. All odds were against me to become a "girly girl", but here I am.. Cheetah print and all! I find power and self-love in getting dressed up and smacking some makeup on. No, I am not here today to apologize for that.

Now take that young girl and plug her into 2018. She had a Myspace page through middle school, Facebook through high school and Instagram through college. Her peers idolize doll faced, silicone billionaires and do their best to catch a "like" as strangers mindlessly scroll through thousands of identical posts. Judgement gets hurled at this generation for caring what others think, but can you blame us? Our entire lives have been virtually published and rated by our classmates.. parent's friends.. complete strangers out in the open since we were in our pre-teen most vulnerable age. As if young adults do not have enough to worry about with our bodies changing, acne and hearts breaking, but now they are compared "live" as they sit back and watch.

I have always been someone who is attracted to the energies of others. That experience when talking with someone whose vibe radiates so strong that you feel caffeinated. Authentic connections and soul talks light up my world and make me smile so big that my face hurts.. that is when I feel the most aligned. Those are the hours that never seem wasted, that charge me up for weeks. BUT still.. I fall into the trap. I get into the groove with an old friend discussing photo lighting and good angles and what that girl from high school posted last week.. That shit makes me WILD. My heart actually feels so heavy that I am sick to my stomach after spending an afternoon discussing pointless topics and petty gossip. It's like a tornado that spins by, glittery and aromatic, sucking me in whenever my guard is down.

So what do I do about it? Unfollow people who edit their faces out of their photos? Delete my social media pages? Leave conversations that include topics that weigh me down? Sure, yes.. I've done each one more times than I can count. But also.. those are some of my best friends and the people who support me the most in my life. And this is actually not about them AT ALL. This is all me and my perspective. Just because you have a family member who shares too much on Facebook does not mean that they aren't the best person to turn to for advice and just because your college friend spends hours editing her arms for Instagram does not make her less worthy of your support. This is about radiating the energy you want back and appreciating others for the wonderful ways they impact your life.

Some people look at the girl with a full face of makeup and think.. I just wish she could love herself for who she is. Others look at the one blogging about her insecurities and think why does she need to overshare? I say.. everyone is on their own journey and we are all doing the best we can to laugh and smile as we get there. What looks like a mistake to you, may be the choice that they are most proud of this week.

If I could speak to the little girls growing up in 2018, I would say firstly.. You are are fortunate. This is an exciting and empowering time to be a women. Secondly, no one else is you and that is the value you bring to this world. Find peace and acceptance internally, never allowing the comments of others to impact your self-worth because all the traits you admire can only come from within.