Don’t “love” this, take it to heart

I don’t deserve to feel this way or share these thoughts... Or at least that was my impression until today.

I’m sure we’ve all read a post that goes something like this. “Anxiety and depression do not discriminate.” Maybe we’ve “shared” or “loved” and then carried on with our day. Until we hit the 4th yellow light our way to work late and the car in front of you decides to slam on their breaks, again. Some of us swear, some of us swerve around and few of us wait patiently for the light to turn green. I’d like to think that I am, more times than not, in the latter group. Why? Because I bet it is difficult to slide through a yellow when you lost your brother to someone who ran a red. Do I know that is the driver’s situation? No... But it very well could be and so I wait. 

I’m a 24 year old, white, middle class, healthy, woman. I have supportive family and friends, a wonderful boyfriend, great apartment and a career that I love. I also deal with crippling guilt, anxiety and perfectionist tendencies... Which I’ve dealt with in both healthy and unhealthy ways through my life.

Why am I sharing this? Because until today I didn’t think I had the right to. I am opening myself up to the judgement coming from those of you who feel you are in a worse place, and you very well may be. I see and understand that. However, it’s also possible for someone whose environment and situation are different from yours to be hurting too. Because, simply put, your external factors do not define how you are feeling internally. 

I’ve struggled. I’ve had days where I’ve cry to and from work... Weeks where I can’t seem to escape my brain fog or be present in any situation... Nights where I’ve replayed an incident and beat myself up so many times that I’ve never fallen asleep. But who am I to share this pain or cope so drastically when I’m not dying or homeless or suicidal? I am a young woman who is living and thriving and surviving, all at once. So many of us dance on this line between living our best life and just being alive. 

Know that you’re not alone. Know that your pain is real and it’s alright to not be “okay” for an hour, a morning, a month. Everyone is going through something and we have no way of knowing what that might be. Who are we to determine which levels of pain warrant snapping at a barista or being unprepared for a meeting? Be empathetic toward all, lord knows our world could use that now more than ever. Tomorrow is a fresh start and if you can ease the weight on someone’s chest by smiling or buying their coffee or simply responding to their anger with gentle understanding, do that.